I’ve only ever received a total of seven stitches in my thirty two years here on Earth, four of them are still on my forehead as I type this entry and by the way, it itches like hell. I’m too scared to scratch it in fear of infection or god forbid, getting it undone and have blood pouring out of my head. I bet you’re wondering how I got them, well this is your lucky day because I’m about to tell you so listen up. All you have to do is find an unsuspecting bench, preferably one of those parks/bus stop style benches. Once you find one make sure it’s not bolted down securely, that’s the most critical part of obtaining your very own set of stitches. Now jump up on to it and feel it wobble as you start to lose your balance then try to grab it in the hope that you can maintain being upright. Half a second later, SMACK! the bench flips over while you’re falling forward, its steel frame and your forehead will become one. It’s going to be as painful as being hit in the head with a baseball bat and do expect the blood to come gushing out almost immediately so try not to faint. Also it’s handy to keep friends or family near because they will be the one running for the nearest tea towel to put over your head to stop you from bleeding to death.
A quick drive to the nearest medical centre and you’re almost there, but a word of advice, don’t try this during lunch time because doctor’s eat too. If your medical centre happens to be inside a packed mall, try to smile at the people you walk past because they are already thinking the worst of you. Having a bloody tea towel pressed up against your face is not a good look especially around small children. If you happen to be in a rush when visiting your local doctor, grab the nearest blood soaked towel and place it near your head, I guarantee you’ll get called straight in. You sit around for a bit and less than two hours later, you will have your very own stitches and a nasty scar to go with it. Scars are sexy, apparently…
